Funny Stuff

What if he really does look like that?

police sketchI found this in my local newspaper a number of years ago. It had been tacked to my office bulletin board for much of that time until it became yellowed, and I figured I should scan it for posterity. It has always been one of my favorite images.
It looks like the Danbury (Conn.) Police have turned to third graders to create their police sketches (and as you can see below, it is the real deal).

Seriously if they ever found this guy, and he looked like this, he’s got more problems to worry about than a purse snatching charge. He’s got to go through life like this.

I’ve often wondered about the conversation that transpired when this sketch was made:

Witness:  His head was shaped roughly like a cinder block.

Sketch Artist: (drawing)  Sooo… kinda like this?

Witness:  Yes! Exactly like that!

Sketch Artist:  What about his hair style? Long? Short?

Witness:  Short, like a nicely manicured lawn.

Sketch Artist:  Okay, what about facial features? Let’s start with the eyes.

Witness:  Really close-set eyes. The kind that could stare right through to my very soul.

Sketch Artist: Like…this?

Witness: Yes! Perfect!

Sketch Artist: And the nose?

Witness:  Kind of long and red and turned up at the end, like a botched plastic surgery job.

Sketch Artist: Ears?

Witness:  Two.

Sketch Artist:  No, I mean what did they look like?

Witness:  Oh, they were pretty shapeless, but they came off his head at almost right angles.

Sketch Artist:  Let’s see…. how does that look?

Witness:  Oh this is so scary!

Sketch Artist:  Let’s work on the mouth…

Witness:  He had large, full plump lips. He may even have been wearing lipstick.

Sketch Artist:  I’d hate to bump into this guy on a dark street.

Witness:  I know, right? Oh–and he had high cheekbones.

Sketch Artist:  Like so?

Witness: Higher… no, still higher…. a little more… perfect!

Sketch Artist: Geez, that is one ugly mug…

Witness:  Draw me now! Draw me now!

newstimes

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I have seen the future of music…

…and it is Gregory P. Jones.

I  present to you Gregory P. Jones and his soon-to-be-classic album What a Woman Want
He is the kind of singer for whom auto tune was invented. Unfortunately he never heard of it.
Listen for yourself: http://amzn.to/1snWc8E

Wait! Don’t thank me yet! We’re just warming up. It turns out that Gregory P. Jones isn’t just a superb singer and songwriter. No, he is also a masterful POET. Just check out his book: Things U Could of Said But U Didn’t!!!! 

A selection from the book:

“WHEN I GROW UP”
I want to be like Him, drive a fancy car,
Have plenty money and women,
He doesn’t work a 9 to 5,
He just 20 years of age, He’s the Man!
(Ten year later)
Now I’m like Him,
Serving 30 years, 20 years of age,
No fancy car, no money and women
Now I’m the woman.

Best suited to the job

I was poking around the A/V Geeks section of the Internet Archive, playing some of the short films that school kids were subjected to back in the day. Great topics like Beginning Responsibility: Lunchroom Manners (featuring the famous Mr. Bungle), Let’s Visit A Poultry Farm, and the one featured here, Learn To Argue Effectively.

What I especially loved is the name of the guy with the title Educational Collaborator in a film about learning to argue: William E. Utterback. How perfect is that? And in case you think it’s some old gag name for the film, he was the real deal.

combined

Review: Magic Restroom Cafe

537328_150460201794794_568303622_nSo there’s a “toilet themed” restaurant opened in California called Magic Restroom Cafe. Guests sit on toilets and food is served in tiny toilet bowls… really.

Now, I guess that they are so flush with success that they feel they can expand by franchising the operation. (If you are interested contact magicrestroomcafe@gmail.com.)

Anyway, when I first heard about it a few years ago, a I wrote a “review” that I was particularly proud of, and which I just found on one of the dozens of flash drives I have in a drawer. I share it with you here. (Disclaimer: I’ve never actually been there.)

Magic Restroom Cafe Review
By Tim Goral

I went there with my cistern brother. They weren’t bowled over. My brother said, “What kind of crap is this?” I said, “What do you mean? It’s the Number One place to go. You can grab a quick bite if urine a hurry, septic can be pricey.” My sister ordered the pu pu platter, bidet ran out.

 

Their move (UPDATED!)

More scam email fun!

—–Original Message—–
From: David [mailto: xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx@gmail.com]
Sent: Sunday, March 30, 2014 12:01 PM
Subject: Did you authorise Helena Chang to contact us?

Dear Beneficiary,

This is my second mail to you since I did not hear from you the first time.

Mrs. Helena Chang, 58 from China is claiming that you authorised her to receive a fund that has been deposited on your name since 2010 with our bank here.

Please for record purposes; do confirm that you asked her to do so on your behalf.

We will not be held responsible for any wrong payment as a result of you not responding to our mails. Please reply through my private email id: xxxxxxxxxxxxx@mynet.com

Thanks,

David Gill

—————————————————

Dear David,

Sorry I missed your earlier email. Our emailman has been on vacation and now I’m digging through hundreds of important emails just like yours that he delivered in one bunch! What a mess!

Hey, did you know you can enlarge your pen1s naturally without drugs? That’s what one of the emails tells me. Who knew? Science is an amazing thing.

Anyway, down to the business at hand. Yes, I authorized Helena Chang to contact you. She has my permission to receive funds deposited in my name.

You may or may not know it, but she does this for lots of people.

In fact we call her Helena Cha-ching because of all the money she collects in our names.

So please go ahead and give it to her. Maybe you can throw in a coffee mug or calendar too as a reward for her persistent efforts. It’s good for business.

You can put it on my tab.

Cheers,

Ben E. Ficiary

——————————————————————————————————————–

UPDATE! UPDATE! UPDATE! UPDATE! UPDATE! UPDATE! UPDATE!

Holy crap! I got a response. It reads, in full: 

if anyone had advised you earlier than now to stop drugs, u will hate that person but look at your life now.
——————————————————————————————————————–

VICTORY IS MINE!

view

Call me Mr. Johnson

So I got another email asking my help in transferring a large sum of money. How do these folks find me?

Dear Friend,

Greetings with good faith. I am Barrister Steve Wilson, a solicitor at law. I am the personal attorney to Mr. Mark Johnson of United states of America who work with Shell Petroleum Company here in United Kingdom.
On Sunday, 2nd June, 2008, my client with His Wife and Their three children Were Involved in a vital car accident and lost Their Lives, since then I have made several inquiries to the embassy to locate Any of his extended relatives all to No avail. Therefore, After several unsuccessful Attempts, I have Decided to track His last name over the Internet maybe luckily I might locate Any member of His Family It was there I contacted you.
Meanwhile, before the death of my client in A terrible accident he Deposited sum amount of GBP15, Millions British Pound under Security company Bank in United Kingdom
Nevertheless, I have only written to seek your indulgence to assist in trustful and retrieve the money left behind by my late client before the FUND is a Declared confiscate by the security company Bank of U.K as I has-been Mandated by the BANK as the personal attorney to late Mr. Mark Johnson to Provide the next of kin to the decease or-have the account confiscate Within the next Few weeks.
Since I have-been unsuccessful in locating the relative for over five years now I therefore, seek your consent to present you to the BANK as the next of kin to the deceased late (Mr. Mark Johnson) It Would be easy to convert the valued [GBP15 million] to you as the rightful next of kin Then you and I can share the money in the Following ration: 60% goes to me and 40% goes to you.
I have all Necessary Legal Documents That can be used to back up the claim and I have Worked out the Modalities of this transaction all I require is your sincere co-operation to enable us succeed in this deal. I guarantee That this transaction Would Be execute under a Legitimate arrangement That Will protect you from Any breach of law.
Please if you are interested to work with me with good faith and honesty, I will Provide all the legal papers / Documents That backs you up as the true next of kin and It Will Be and submit to the Finance house for proper Claim of the fund. I hope to hear further response from you regards the successful conclusions of this great transaction.
I therefore, patiently to hear back from you as to enable us proceed further to the next level of this project Which would be under full 10 days.

Thanks
Barrister Steve Wilson (ESQ)

I can forgive Barrister Steve Wilson (ESQ) for the Random capitalization and poor Punctuation in His email. He’s, you know, a Brit and all. Probably not familiar with the proper American way of writing words and stuff like we do here in the good old USofA.

But the key to this generous offer is that to close the deal, I’d probably have to change my name to Johnson to prove I am the next of kin to my dear departed Uncle(?) Mark and his lovely wife and their three kids, Huey, Dewey and Louie, or whatever their names were. I had better work on my story a bit.

Now, £15,000,000 converts  to $24,438,000. And if I get 40 percent out of the deal, that’s still $9,775,200 — not chump change by any stretch. That would more than pay to have all my monogrammed towels and underwear converted to Johnson… if I had monogrammed towels and underwear.

But with that kind of money I could go out and buy it monogrammed with my given name and THEN have it changed. Sweet!

I’m thinking this could work.

What would I say?

Saw this on MetaFilter:

what would i say?” automatically generates Facebook posts that sound like you! Technically speaking, it trains a Markov Bot based on mixture model of bigram and unigram probabilities derived from your past post history. Don’t worry, we don’t store any of your personal information anywhere. In fact, we don’t even have a database! All computations are done client side, so only your browser ever sees your post history.

So what would I say? Take a look:

status 1

 

status 2

 

status 3

 

status 4

 

Oddly, these make perfect sense to me.

I’m frightened.

Dear Sir/Madam

I often get requests from Nigerian royal family members who need my help in transferring large sums of money–hidden away by their (sadly) recently deceased fathers–to the US where it will be safe from rebel forces who would probably spend it on guns and bombs and whatnot.

That’s why I was surprised to see this one in my mail this morning, from someone who I don’t remember helping, but apparently tried to–and failed.

Dear Sir/Madam,

I am constrained to contact you again. I have instructed Pastor Mary DANIEL, to send $1,300,000.00 to you for your compensation based on your assistant in the past which later failed. Write him message through his Email: (pastormarydaniel@laposte.net) for him to send the money to you, although my new partner is not happy that we have to allocate such amount to you bearing in mind your attitude toward the transaction by the time your help is urgently needed.

Regards,

Yours sincerely Sister.

Miss Hanna Gaddafi.

Now, Hanna Gaddafi is the name of the adopted daughter of deposed (and deceased) Libyan dictator Moammar Gaddafi. She was thought to have died herself in a 1986 bombing raid, yet recent reports would seem to indicate otherwise.

If, as the reports say, she is a practicing physician somewhere, that would explain why she addressed my note to Dear Sir/Madam. The woman is just too darn busy to keep everything straight.

I think it is extremely generous of her to want to send me $1.3 million even though whatever I tried to do was ultimately unsuccessful. But her “new partner is not happy that we have to allocate such amount to you bearing in mind your attitude toward the transaction by the time your help is urgently needed” (whatever that means).

Sounds to me like someone has some pretty tight controls on the ol’ purse strings. I should probably write to Miss Gaddafi (who is, after all, my Sister) and warn her about such people. They can be nothing but trouble.